April 3, 2009

It has almost been a month since I started this experiment of the "Game with Minutes" that Frank Laubach came up with.

At first, it was extremely hard on certain days. It was a tortuous workout on the mind. First of all, I think psychologically, my mind was not used to the habits of keeping God on my mind every minute. Second of all, spiritually, I think that demons weren't happy that I was attempting it, so that added obstacles.

It seemed completely impossible before to talk to others while practising this, let alone reading stuff. But I think the impossible seems to have been cnoquered by God's grace! I have improved, I think.

The 3rd night I tried it, I experienced a pretty cool few hours of actually being relational with God, and felt that he was there somewhat. I kept saying things to him nonstop in second person, not only big things, but actually mostly small things.

The first week was extremely hard and I got down on myself quite a bit sometimes due to the sheer difficulty I experienced. It helped though, that I was fasting with the team that whole week. I think I could say that I experienced exponential growth each day during that week in my ability to keep God in mind. There were some moments where I wanted to give up because itw as just simply too hard.

Either one or two weeks later I cried in front of the team during church time. I tihnk it was a result of doing thsi thing. I cried due to previously taking for granted Christ's sacrifice for me, where a lot of the time I previously flippantly acknowledged it without deeply appreciating it.

When I tried it with Casey, the experience was sooo exhilarating@ Just having someone int he same palce acknowledging Jesus in a casual conversation did wonders for me! I don't think it had that big of an affect on Casey, althought he said that it felt cool, yet weird for him. It felt weird for me too, but not in a sketchy way, but in a "this is so cool, I've never done this before" type of weird. I felt so euphoric in a way I haven't felt before. It was different in quality. I've never felt that way in intimacy with Jesus before. It felt really different from Christian music concerts where everyone goes crazy (not in a bad way). After the session, I felt uplifted and thsi sort of immense joy being in the presence of God that lasted for a couple hours and actually kinda prevented me from preparing for a student training session the next day.

Today, I think I sensed a demon(s) in one of the students I was talking to that was struggling with knowing God. Still nto sure whether it's an intellectual problem or heart problem, or both. I didn't fully understand his reasons, thinking. It seemed kinf of abnormal for a human. It may have just been really screwed thinking from reading weird stuff, or simply a demon. There was this period all of a sudden where it was like I suddenly realized there was a demon in the midst.

Whether inside or outside of the student, I'm not sure. I just unexplainably sensed it. I thought I could see it in the student's behaviour and laughter. His thinking seemed confused, but not in a logical way. It seemed like someone was maybe messing around with his mind. It seemed ilke a demon was intentionally toying and messing around with the student's thoughts. It was kind of freaky in a way. For the rest of the conversation I was intensely praying in my mind for the demon to be casted out and away, and to leave the student alone in the name of Jesus. I even prayed in tongues for this. I offerd to pray for the stdeutn, but he refused quite a few times. I felt the urge to pray for him, finally he relented and let me pray for him. I put my hand on hij, I quietly mumbled prayers to God to cast out any demons that might be disturbing him so that he could think clearly. We'll see what happens. I wonder if he was possessed or not.

Right now, I think I improved a lot relative to a month ago. I think sometimes, when I don't think of God, my mind will sometimes go back to God. Some sign that a habit has already started to form. Dallas Willard reminded me that it takes time, and I shouldn't harass myself or push myself too hard in this. It's a lot easier than the first two weeks I started this. I tseems to evolve. I can scarcely remember what kind of lief I had before I started this. It seems like the whole background or wallpaper of lief seems to change when I do this. It seems deeper than pleasure. It's deep joy in God. As cheap as it is to say this, I can't describe it, and I can actually start to understand some of the mystics when they say that they can't describe what the experience is like.

I still don't get all my minutes down though. In time. Also, I don't feel especially close with God in subjective intimacy feel right now. I think God's teaching me to do it for him, and not for myself. As long as He's happy, I should be happy because I know it pleases Him.

I think I got a little traction in doing it while talking to my teammates in English. Second language is hard though, like in class. It is the hardest when I'm with students for some reason. Maybe it's because my mind is focused on the ministry while sacrificing attention from my intimacy with God. also maybe because listening and speaking in a second language that I just started acquiring two years ago takes up relatively more energy/capacity in my mind. I hope this improves over time.

Interesting thing is, I think I have had a breakthrough in my cognitive language processing, of "entering int he world" of the speaker through their words. Hard to describe. I think this is partially due to being forced to try to focus on just the meaning of the words of a speaker in the speaker's world, and nothing else, due to conserving my midn's cognitive reserves/capacity. This apparently leaves more room for me to think of God in second person. So making this room for God in my capacity has inadvertently made me process language more efficiently due to being forced to really focus in my concentration linguistically because less cognitive energy is focused on it.